Split
by Ryou VeRua
Summary: The Pharaoh has a spell to split host and spirit apart, and Ryou is a willing test subject. However, anything that can go wrong will go wrong - if the spirit has his way. But his meddling is not without its consequences...


Aha, I haven't written much in a while, have I? This is a parody of the body-splitting rituals that most fics mention but don't go into detail over, others ignore complete even when continuing with their separate body fics, or that an even smaller fraction of people write about with a level of seriousness and maturity that I've proven again and again that I can't handle. :P

It's actually also something I've had sitting in my online documents for a while now... and by a while, I mean over a year now. It was something I had hoped to post on Ryou Bakura's birthday, **September 2nd,** but instead I'm going for within the sweet spot of the 2nd and the 7th, which is _my_ birthday. :D So happy birthday to both of us! (Hope Ryou likes the present I got him. ;D)

**Notes on the story:** It's set after BC, though whether before AE or in an AT after AE is anyone's guess. As almost all of these fics normally assume, Bakura is less of a psychopath and more of a nuisance. By the way - fear Ryou with a backbone (I like my Ryou with a bit of fire and spice~). Fear him.

**Disclaimer:** Never in the last few years have I ever claimed to own YGO - and that hasn't changed!

* * *

><p><em>It's not going to work.<em>

_Shut up,_ Ryou thought. He tried to concentrate on walking. He was only about a block away. _Shut up shut up shut up -_

_We're their guinea pig, don't you get it? There's a reason the Pharaoh and his host are willing to let us try the spell first, you imbecile, you fool -_

He could see the Kame Game Shop from here - he could take a little more abuse, right? Because soon it would be over, this whole nightmare would be over, but damn it if he wasn't so sleep-deprived his tolerance for the spirit's tirade would not be so low -

_- you idiot, you little cretin -_

If anything, he should be happy. If the spirit was being set off like this, the idea clearly had some merits, right? And Ryou had been dreaming of this for the longest time...

_- you sniveling worm, you stain on my spotless bloodline -_

Ryou snapped. _What the Hell is wrong with you? You know I have a headache! Why can't you just let me make my own decision for once in my life -_ and then he almost tripped when something the spirit said dawned on him. _Wait - I'm actually related to you? Please no!_

_As much as I hate it, it is true,_ the spirit sniffed haughtily. _White hair isn't exactly common. I believe this has something to do with that 'Genetics' subject that your teacher was prattling on about. A gene passed along the Y chromosome, but only active when certain other genes are present and -_

_I don't need a Biology lesson! And another thing!_ Ryou raged, unconsciously stomping the last few steps of the way despite the nervous looks of other pedestrians, _If you want your own body so badly, why are you so against trying this out? 'Oh, Landlord, I could have snapped your body like a twig in my old body!' 'Oh, Landlord, I could take Jounouchi and Honda with my pinky in my old body!' 'Oh, **Respected Landlord**, you pansy, why are you crying over a few sharp objects lodged in your stomach? If the Ring had tried to puncture my beautiful chest, the spires would have just bounced off of my **rock hard abs!**'_

_I was a very impressive creature,_ the spirit said, with an uncharacteristic dreamy sigh. _And in the unlikely case the Pharaoh is actually successful, you'll see it for yourself._

_Hmph. Sounds like you'd marry yourself if you could._

_If only._

Ryou rapped on the door forcefully. _You just don't like the fact that he beat you to the spell. If you'd just asked the Ishtars like I suggested, we could have been the ones phoning up Yugi instead of the other way around._

_You're assuming I'd want to help them, which I don't._

_Right. Silly me, for thinking you had some shred of anything resembling a heart._ Ryou put on his brightest smile when the door opened revealing, to his surprise, Malik Ishtar. "Good afternoon - Malik? What are you doing in Japan?"

"Long story, no time," Malik said. "We've managed to get Yugi's grandfather out of here for a bit, but it won't last long. Um... You don't want a drink or something, do you?"

"No, no," Ryou said quickly as he slipped off his shoes. "We're supposed to do this on an empty stomach anyway, right? I think that's what Yugi said over the phone."

"Right, I forgot," Malik said sheepishly and beckoned him over to the Motou's living room. The spirit snickered loudly and Ryou was immediately set on edge.

_You didn't -_

_Have a 3 a.m. seven course meal? Why ever would you think such a thing?_

_No. No no no. This is just another joke. You're psyching me out, that's all._

_I feasted from 3 o'clock in the morning until the first light of dawn,_ the spirit crowed, with the same sort of voice that he'd use to inform an adversary of his impending doom. _I emptied the contents of your refrigerator into your black hole of a stomach and I savoured every morsel. Oh... And I finished the cream puffs._

"Sonuvabitch!" Ryou roared. Malik gaped at him and Yugi, walking into the room clutching a dusty old leather-bound book, almost tripped over the rug. Ryou ignored them both. _You - You bastard, you just want to sabotage everything even if it's good for YOU, and goddamnit that's why I'm so tired, aren't I - you just can't let anyone have their way if it bruises your giant ego -_

_It's not a complicated medical procedure. They aren't examining your insides. Honestly, all of these little rules and restrictions seem to be completely unnecessary to me. If you're so worried,_ the spirit said smugly, _then just call the whole thing off._

"Ryou...?" Yugi squeaked. Ryou held up one hand as he breathed in once, twice, three times slowly.

"Are we ready to go?" he whispered.

_Oho?_

"Yeah," Malik said shakily.

"We've got everything we need right here?"

_You've got guts, Landlord_.

"Yes," said the Pharaoh - it seemed that Yugi was so spooked that he had handed his body over early.  
>"Then let's do it."<p>

_But I'm not done yet._ With that statement, the spirit promptly took over. Ryou started screaming belligerently, hurling words and curses at the spirit that would have made himself blush on any normal day._ So feisty, Landlord! Do you really want to be rid of me that badly?_

Ryou's response was the spiritual equivalent of a very loud, wet raspberry.

Malik had moved back immediately at the change, warily looking between the two for any sign of danger. The Pharaoh did not seem to notice anything amiss until Ryou's hair popped up like bread in a toaster oven.

"The spirit of the Millennium Ring!"

"Gods," the spirit muttered. "Is it really that much of a surprise to see me now? It's been what, two years?"

Malik snickered; the Pharaoh looked indignant.

"He's right, you know," Malik said, trying but failing not to grin when the Pharaoh's battle face turned into a scowl. "Save the dramatics for later."

"I'm not trying to - it's the host that's supposed to be in control of the body!" he snapped. The Pharaoh turned to the spirit next, scowl deepening when he noticed an identical smirk on his face. "You hear that? Get out off my face now so we can both be free of each other for good."

"Or," the spirit smiled nastily, "I can continue being a handsome-yet-devilish thorn in your side. Ah, both ideas sound _so_ tempting."

"About that," Malik said, picking up the worn book from the Pharaoh's arms and opening it to a doggy-eared page. "The moment you stopped in the shop, you lost the ability to leave. Both of you."

The speed of both spirits' heads turning was astounding to behold.

_"What?"_

_"Those not bound to earthly vessels may not pass the holy sphere, pinned piece by piece..."_ Malik glanced up at the two's paling faces. "Well, I'm paraphrasing a bit, but you get the general idea."

"What holy pieces, you didn't bring anything besides those vials!" the Pharaoh said. "Wait - you were baking something earlier- "

"Yeah, cookies - wait, you thought I'd make those to eat? When I clearly put things like _rat's blood_ in them?" Malik said in disgust. "Look, I may not like eating Japanese food but it doesn't mean I'm a total _barbarian!_ I just placed them around corners of the house to form a perimeter when you two went out to the corner store for the sacrifices."

"You better not be making us eat that, because I refuse -" the Pharaoh started.

"I'm not going to feed them to you!" Malik said through gritted teeth. "That would probably nullify their magical properties anyway! The spell just needed me to make some form of pottery with everything listed - yes, rat's blood _included_ - and the last time I checked, you didn't have a kiln in the storeroom of your little shop. And don't give me that look, it was the best replacement I could think of for baking clay."

The spirit, who had been quiet during the whole exchange, suddenly looked thoughtful. "So if I ate these "sacred objects" then I could lea-"

_"NO!"_ the two bellowed.

The spirit mentally shoved a fuming Ryou while rubbing his temples in the real world. "You're the one that'll be stuck with this headache soon," he warned.

_You **would**_ _consider eating those cookies!_

"I only did it because I knew something like this would happen," Malik explained patiently. There was an undertone of smoothness and charm that the spirits were finally noticing, the kind developed from years of experience. "One of you will need to do this. It doesn't matter who; once the other has seen how positively _painless _it is, he'll be begging to do it."

_"_But we had agreed they would do it first, didn't we?" the Pharaoh said, cradling the puzzle in his hands protectively.

Malik clapped a hand gently on his shoulder. The spirit grinned again at the uncomfortable look on the Pharaoh's face at the contact.

_"_But Pharaoh," Malik said pleasantly, "think of how happy Yugi would be to have a private moment to himself. Sure, you two have a unique bond, but how tiring must it be to be sharing a _body_ all the time?"

_"_Well, I..." the Pharaoh mumbled.

_Hey, spirit._

_Not now._

_Hey, listen. **Hey, listen!**_

_What?_ the spirit snarled. _What could my ill-timed, unnaturally **uppity** host want that could be more interesting that watching a brat order around his royal highness?_

_I want to make a deal with you. And trust me, you're lucky I'm putting this on the table._

_... Go on._

_If you do this right now, I'll give you enough money for a week at a cheap hotel and food._ The spirit felt him grimace sympathetically as Malik physically backed the Pharaoh into a corner, all with his arm draped amicably around him under the pretense of negotiation.

_And dinner. With the works - steak and all. None of that lean crap._

_Dinner?_ There was a pause. _... If I think of it as a farewell party, I'll be able to tolerate it. Fine, then! Give me my body back so we can do this!_

_What about "unnecessary restrictions" did you not understand?"_

_Don't you **dare** -_

"Alright, _boys_," the spirit announced grandiosely - the Pharaoh used the much-needed distraction to escape, having been almost leaning backwards into the wall to avoid being nose-to nose with Malik, "it's your lucky day! Looks like I'll allow us to be first after all."

_"_But you can't be -" Malik started.

_"_What, the heir of the great tomb-keeper clan of the Pharaoh can't handle a little improvisation?_" _he said. Malik bristled and opened his mouth only for the Pharaoh to put his hand up.

_"_Grandpa will be back any minute now and as much as I loathe to admit it, _he_," the Pharaoh jerked a thumb at the spirit, choosing instead to glare at a spot on the wall - "won't let the body be hurt."

_If I lose a leg or something, _Ryou thought somewhat desperately, _I'm not making you dinner!_

_It won't come to that._

Malik grabbed his hand and led him towards the living room to the couches surrounding the main table. Not much seemed out of place - there were an assortment of empty containers and two bags full of packaged meat. The spirit raised an eyebrow when Malik and the Pharaoh started pulling the meat out of the bags.

_"_I thought you were a vegetarian?" he said. Malik shot him a surprised look.

"You actually remembered that?"

"Gods evidently haven't changed much over the years," muttered the Pharaoh. "Who knew what we'd need would be at the local market down the street?"

"Minus the book of course." Malik took a lighter from his pocket and lit an incense candle. After fanning the flame for a moment, he placed it in the center of the circle of meat. "Ring spirit, stand in front of the table. One step back so if you collapse you don't crack your head open on the table."

"Sadistic bastard would probably enjoy it."

_"And,_" Malik said loudly, shooting the Pharaoh a pointed look (who promptly shrugged it off), "no more than that or you'll hit the TV. Got it?"

"Stand still and don't move. Got it," he drawled. The Pharaoh and the spirit stared challengingly at each other.

"This is your last chance," the Pharaoh said quietly. "Switch with Ryou Bakura, or anything that goes wrong will be on your hands."

The spirit sneered and opened his arms wide.

"Nothing will go wrong unless I _let_ it go wrong."

"Famous last words," Malik muttered, flipping to the second bent page of the book. "Step back, Pharaoh. We don't want to be caught on the edges of a spell like _this."_

The two moved back into the doorway, watching the lone figure. Malik then drew a deep breath, closed his eyes for a moment, then began his reading - slow, careful, with every word spoken clear and crisp.

The packaged meat suddenly rose in the air, turned on itself and winked out of existence in a small burst of flames. The Pharaoh opened his mouth and turned to Malik only to step back in shock as acrid smoke, thick and black as night, began pouring out of the book. It spread itself along the ground and wrapped itself around the spirit until he could no longer be seen.

And in the mind shared by Ryou Bakura and the spirit of the Ring Ryou waited, feeling as if every fiber of his being was on fire._  
><em>

When the smoke cleared the room, two bodies could be faintly made out - one pale, wispy, and familiar and the other tan, looming and _powerful_. Ryou couldn't help it - he stared. He stared at the bulging biceps and triceps, the ends of the short, cropped hair that curled lovingly over a sculpted chest, the washboard abs, the thickly muscled legs, _everything_. There was a part of him that twisted inside him, knowing how right that obnoxious, egocentric spirit had been. But the other part of him...

The man reborn looked down at himself, turning over impossibly large hands back and forth. The pale scar shifted slightly and his shocking grey-blue eyes flickered. A grin grew on his face slowly at first, and then quickly, as he began to laugh. The laugh too was normal at first, but then it grew louder and louder until it seemed to surround everyone in the room. Alarmed, the Pharaoh stepped in front of the other two, arms out protectively. Malik reached back and groped for something to use to defend himself. And the pale boy beside him, the one who seemed so much smaller in comparison... he just stared, with a look of absolute horror on his face.

"Ryou," Malik whispered quickly. "Ryou, you need to run - Ryou? Ryou!" When he stepped forward instead of backward, Malik made a movement to stop him. However, Malik saw something that made him stop in his tracks.

'Ryou's' face twisted horribly and two locks of hair sprang up into familiar horn-like clumps. He whispered the most ironic thing Malik had ever heard.

_"You goddamn, body-stealing thief!"_ Bakura screeched, forcing Ryou's old voice to new heights that nobody had ever thought possible.

"Hey, spirit, I guess you were right!" The giant of a man - no, _Ryou_ - crowed. "This body is pretty hot!"

And then, as both the Pharaoh and Malik stared, something even more impossible happened.

The spirit fainted.

* * *

><p>I have always wanted to describe the Thief King's body. :D<p>

... Ah, damnit. This could make the most scrumptious, twisted Gem... Gemini? Tender? What could you even call this? Ah, whatever. Which reminds me, does anyone know any good Tender/Baku/Gemshippings that were posted lately? I'm desperate for either something long or multi-chaptered that I can sink my teeth into. :D

By the way - feel free to make a sequel to this if you want (just tell me first). If I get enough feedback, I may considering making a multi-chapter sequel (or multiple alternate timeline ones, one possibly having yaoi), but I'd like to leave this as its own oneshot so people can have fun filling it what happens next. :D


End file.
